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Chins are the new Breasts but Why I Opted for Big Naughty Bits? By Kevin Jackson

Claimer:  This is completely satirical. Enjoy without judgement.

According to this report in Fox News, chins are the new breasts, as chin implants are up 71 percent over last year. I’m distraught. I have never looked at a woman’s chin and thought, “Wow! Look at the chin on that babe!”

Remember when all the rage in Hollywood was white starlets wanting Angelina Jolie lips?! They created these hideous lips, and lots of women got them, and that perpetual pucker. Hollywood essentially used Angelina Jolie to sell white women on getting black women’s lips. Let’s face it, with black chick lips, Angelina Jolie is a stone cold hottie about to marry Brad Pitt. Without those lips Angelina Jolie is a pretty white chick dating Bubba Pitt. It’s hard to believe that such a subtle change in one’s DNA can be the diff between Brad and Bubba, but such is the case.

The same is true for butts. Remember when women in Hollywood were all getting their butts done?  Who do we thank for the butt craze?  Kim Kardashian? Perhaps. But before her it was Jennifer Lopez, who gained butt fame from Selena, the Mexican singer who was killed by her assistant. All this hoopla over a few chicks who have a black woman’s butt. Why hasn’t anybody notified the UN that black women are being pilfered.

Nothing new when it comes to chicks wanting to be black. Remember when well-tanned Bo Derek rocked the braids in the movie “10”? There she was, running on the beach. Bo Derek’s braids and big chin bouncing up and down in that slow motion shot, as Dudley Moore looked longingly on, wishing he could put his pianist’s fingers on Bo’s beautiful facebump.

The article says of chins,

“As a result, people subconsciously associate a stronger chin with more authority, self-confidence and trustworthiness.”

Is this not even more true of big naughty bits?

I hate that body parts fads are a moving target, since years ago[1] I invested in my big naughty bits. I figured by now that big naughty bits would be in.  I wanted a body part that said, “manly” without begin overly ostentatious. Despite my humility, a few people do recognize my big naughty bits, and some write and tell me so.

One wrote, “Kevin, to do what you do, you must have big [ones].”  Another went further, opining, “I bet you have [naughty bits] the size of Alaska!”

It’s like these people looked at my medical file or overheard my consult with my doctor. When I asked for my big naughty bits, I requested “naughty bits the size of Texas.” However, my doctor talked me specifically into getting naughty bits, and I quote…the size of Alaska! Hallelujah Sarah Palin!

As I think on this, I should have picked a body part that could be exposed without offending. Not to mention women who like men with big naughty bits would have known that I was the man for them, as many women love men with big naughty bits. On the contrary, women don’t necessarily like to see other women with big naughty bits.  And despite the freedom of the women’s movement, most women don’t want people to know that they have had the surgery[2].

We all know women like Hillary Clinton, Michelle Obama, and many other Liberal women—I call them “Tuckers” [3]—have opted for surgically enhanced male naughty bits. These are in short supply in men on their side of the aisle. These women obscure their big naughty bits, post-surgery; however occasionally you can spot them when they wear the wrong outfit or pants that are a wee bit too tight.

I know what you’re thinking and yes, big naughty bits can be cumbersome and are risky.  But all surgeries have complications, so I knew the risks. We all have to die of something. And upon my death I wanted the medical examiner to be impressed.[4]

I know I will shrivel up in my old age, and my big naughty bits will be a bit awkward, but no more so than breasts. Have you seen pictures of septuagenarians who have had breast enhancements in their 40s? Their bodies look like saddle bags with two lumps. And in a decade or two, you will readily know those women who had their butts done; trust me on this, it won’t be sexy in the future.  And anybody with fake lips will look like the spawn of Carol Channing and a Big Mouth Bass.

The article goes on to say that a more prominent chin is what people want; that a certain chin invokes a winning look. How about the chin that looks like a butt; or worse? The face tends to shrink up a bit as we age, so I caution people against a deep dimple or they could look like they got big naughty bits, only they got them on their chins.

Regardless, I can hardly wait for Hollywood to tell us what next to do with our bodies. Until then, keep your chin up and your tummy tucked.

That’s my rant!

(c) 2012 Kevin Jackson – The Black Sphere, LLC – All Rights Reserved

Kevin Jackson is a best-selling author and blogger.

[1] At the age of 5

[2] Except some trannies

[3] Among other things!

[4] Doubly impressed, if you get my meaning

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