Far be it from me to cast aspersions on anyone’s girth, but I find it ridiculous to credit the first lady for “reversing the childhood obesity trend,” when it’s clear that in the four years she’s been in the White House, let’s just say Michelle’s posterior has trended outward.
After thanking God for flared skirts, the White House released a second-term portrait of Michelle photographed from the waist up, bangs and all, doing her best impersonation of one of Barack Obama’s most devoted activist starlets, Kerry Washington. On the same day, the Office of the First Lady also issued a press release claiming that Michelle “fried fat cakes/ancho-chili short ribs” Obama’s Let’s Move! initiative is responsible for reversing a 30-year trend of childhood obesity in the same time it took Jesus Christ to fulfill His earthly ministry – three short years.
Would it be too much to ask for statistics to back up the White House’s assertion? Where are the children who’ve been Let’s Move-monitored for three years? Or is this claim like all the others – assumed to be true merely because an Obama says it’s so?
In 2010, when Victory gardener Mrs. Obama enacted Let’s Move!, the goal was to herd a reluctant nation toward organic kale. Now, three years later, Michelle interprets government being the arbiter of deprivation to mean that Americans have “stepped up to improve the health of our nation’s children.” Clearly the initial plan didn’t work, because despite the first lady’s self-congratulatory proclamations, the “CDC found that the percentage of obese children and adults was essentially unchanged between 2008 and 2010.” Moreover, while it is true that obesity has decreased in low-income pre-school children, the decline actually started in 2003 when G.W. Bush was president and was last measured in 2010.
Therefore, regardless of what Michelle says, by 2030 today’s children will be fatter than ever, because obesity in America is in fact trending upward, not downward. Sorry, but if American kids have lost any weight at all over the last three years, it’s because while Michelle lunches at the Shake Shack, school kids are half-starved to death on calorie-restricted school lunches. The austere diet must be why the triumphant White House communiqué neglected to mention that both school children and their parents are unhappy with the stringent meal regulations that were implemented thanks to Michelle Obama and the federal government.
Yet, despite the inconsequential details of fat kids and fed-up parents, just in time for her usual spring mini-vacation,Wagyu beefeater Michelle is preparing to embark on a star studded national tour celebrating the third anniversary of Let’s Move! The Michelle Obama ‘Chubby Kids No More’ trip begins on February 27th in Clinton, Mississippi. In Clinton, Shelley will host a cooking show with the perpetually perky EVOO advocate Rachael Ray. The “Yum-O” event is being called “Change is Happening,” which is a title more fitting for a certain someone’s dress size than it is a description of America’s eating habits.
Nevertheless, it’s on to Illinois next, where luminaries of the sports world will join Michelle in her hometown of Chicago. In America’s murder capital, the first lady will announce “new ways to bring physical education back into the schools,” which will presumably involve something more than children working up a sweat dodging bullets and running for their lives. From there the Queen of the Biceps is on to the Queen City of the Ozarks, Springfield, Missouri where, after picking up a few items at Target, Michelle will visit a health-minded Walmart store whose 1% heir Samuel Rawlings Walton coincidentally gave $300,000 to Barack Obama’s 2012 campaign.
Just in time to celebrate the anniversary of her March 2010 New York City tasting tour, Mrs. Obama will travel to the Big ‘Candy’ Apple where she’ll appear on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, show off her new hairdo to Robin Roberts on Good Morning America, and teach Dr. Oz a thing or two about health and nutrition on The Dr. Oz Show. While on the flabby kid circuit, the first lady will “announce new ways the country is coming together around the health of our children.”
Creative Michelle Obama-directed “coming together” ideas could very well include further autocratic efforts such as reporting children who are found with Double Stuf Oreos in their lunch bags; checking for tongues stained with red dye #40; and making 13-year-olds get a workout by forcing them to walk to the abortion clinic rather than being shuttled, without parental notice, in the dedicated transport van. In the area of fitness, Michelle might suggest incorporating new and improved exercises into public school gym curriculum. Innovative drills could include repeatedly bowing to Barack Obama before being issued a restroom pass and playing kickball with spherical rubber objects decorated with the images of Republican representatives of every state.
After the exhausting Let’s Move! three-year anniversary road trip comes to an end, the first lady plans to wrap up her efforts in the comfort of the White House with a Google+ “Fireside Hangout,” a virtual conversation moderated by the scary-skinny Kelly Ripa, and by answering @FLOTUS health and fitness questions on Twitter. After dutifully fulfilling her Let’s Move! obligations, it’s likely Michelle will feel deserving of yet another million-dollar vacation, where she can spend some time having her skirts and pants let out again and eating anything she damn well pleases.