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Coco

Recently, during an address to space scientists in Tehran, Iranian president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, said that he’s ready to risk all to become the “first Iranian astronaut sent into space as part of Iran’s goal of a manned space flight.”  According to the IRNA news agency, the despotic leader told his audience, “I’m ready to be the first Iranian to sacrifice myself for our country’s scientists.”

It’s hard to believe that when he’s not threatening to exterminate “uncivilized Zionists,” moon-gazing Mahmoud spends quiet evenings looking skyward through his high-powered telescope.

And although it’s a total coincidence, Mahmoud’s sudden interest in “sacrificing” himself on behalf of Iranian scientists comes at exactly the same time that adult film actress, Coco Brown, is busy training to be the first porn star in space.  The 32-year-old star of hit classics like Black Panty Chronicles 2 and Big Booty Bomb 2 is due to blast off with a private Dutch space expedition in 2014. Asked why she’s heading into the cosmos Coco explained, “I’ve always had a love of space. I’m an adventurous person and I thrive off of excitement.”

Ms. Brown, who is an American, is no less enthusiastic about celestial travel than Iran’s esteemed leader. Which is why, in anticipation of spending quality time with fellow astronauts aboard an SXC rocket, Coco has already endured anti-gravity training.

There’s just one small hitch – due to the limitations imposed by zero gravity, Coco will have to refrain from having sex in outer space. Yet, despite those restrictions, she does plan to “pop [a] boob out and take a photo of it with the Earth in the background.”

Bubbling over with exhilaration and sounding like an Iranian dictator on the verge of going nuclear, Coco Brown said “I’m ready to do something that many would never attempt, and I’m going to tackle it successfully and have another fantastic story to tell.”

Story or no story, it looks like Coco will get to be the first porn star to visit outer space.  However, unlike Ms. Brown, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad will not make aerospace history by being the “first Iranian” to win the coveted title.

In 2006, a 40-year-old space tourist named Anousheh Ansari toured the heavens in a spacecraft. Anousheh must have thought it was worth $20 million to break out of her burka for a spell, even if it meant the only avenue of escape was via Kazakhstan aboard a Soyuz TMA-9 capsule.

Ms. Ansari isn’t the only one that ruined metagalactic Mahmoud’s chance to sacrifice for the sake of his country’s scientists.  In preparation for a manned space flight due to take place within the next five or six years, Iran blasted a small zoo skyward. In 2010, an Explorer rocket reportedly soared into the heavens with a crew consisting of a “mouse, a turtle and worms.”

More recently, “pioneer” monkey, Pishgam, jettisoned further than Coco’s planned 62 miles when he flew 72 miles away from the surface of the earth. Thanks be to Allah, in 20 minutes “Iran’s famed simian space traveler” returned unharmed to planet Earth, banana in hand.

Defense Minister Ahmad Vahidi said Iran has future plans to launch a satellite from the secret location of the still-under-construction Imam Khomeini Spaceport with a larger animal aboard. Vahidi did not elaborate as to whether that “larger animal” will be a camel, a Persian cat, or a Persian fallow deer.

And although Mahmoud  Ahmadinejad did volunteer his services and does fit the description of a “larger animal,” unless he hitches a ride on Ali Baba’s magic carpet, tags along with Coco Brown or straps himself to a missile heading toward Israel, he will not be the next Iranian space traveler to venture forth where dictators and porn stars boldly dare to go.

In the end, if Coco and Mahmoud do manage to hook up for an amateur aerodynamic adventure, maybe the unlikely couple can make it a threesome by recruiting America’s very own Cosmic Cowboy Barack Obama to show them around.

 

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  • TebowFTW

    Pigs in space!

    • http://jeannie-ology.com/ Jeannieology

      You can say that again.

  • http://www.facebook.com/pamela.troepplkinnaird Pamela Troeppl Kinnaird

    Pigs in space, indeed