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Over the past four years the Obamas have made it quite clear that Easter at the White House has nothing to do with Jesus, His death, or resurrection.

Instead, the White House Easter is about rolling eggs and rolling eyes, but hopefully not rolling papers.  This year at the 135th White House Egg Roll, which is on April Fool’s Day, there are plans to trick 30,000 attendees into believing that Easter at the White House is really about Easter.

It’s not!  This year the theme of the Easter function is “Be Healthy, Be Active, Be You!” which, on the holiest Christian holiday of the year, takes the focus off the true meaning of Jesus’ victory over death and the grave and places it on Michelle Obama and her “Let’s Move” initiative.  It’s sort of how Christ’s birth became all about Bo the first dog frolicking in the snow on the North Lawn.

With that in mind, don’t expect to see Easter lilies anywhere near 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Instead, little kiddies, all excited about getting a candy basket stuffed with chocolate bunnies and marshmallow peeps from the president, will be gagging down kale chips and celery sticks and attempting to smile politely while wishing they were dead.

Jesus warned His disciples: “Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell.”

Based on the first lady’s emphasis on body over soul, apparently, despite sitting in the pews of Rev. Jeremiah Wright’s Trinity United Church of Christ, Michelle never committed that particular Scripture verse to memory.

Nonetheless, the White House Egg Roll will include a bit of a personal note, because if Kid President Barack Obama had a son, he would look like special guest star Kid President Robbie Novak. In addition to Kid President, Tommy McFly will be MC-ing the event.  Hopefully, McFly doesn’t lose his head and land on any of the food in the cooking stations.

Moving right along, nothing says “risen Christ” like 16-year-old Justin Bieber wannabe Austin Mahone, sideways cap and all. Or Coco Jones, a young replica of Michelle’s BFF Beyoncé, or British-Irish boy band The Wanted, all of whom will perform on the Rockin’ Egg Roll stage.

Michelle’s personal friends from Sesame Street will also be there.  Not included in the press release was whether or not Big Bird is planning on laying Omega-3 eggs for the children.

American Idol contestant Jessica Sanchez will sing the National Anthem.  Also on the Rockin’ Egg Roll stage will be Season 6 American Idol winner, Jordin Sparks, who was probably instructed beforehand that Easter is no excuse to dredge up her Gospel roots.

The Apostle Paul made it clear to Christians that “physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come.” Putting Paul’s advice aside, the plan is for the People’s House to be abuzz with somewhat less spiritual “Let’s Move” activity.  On the Hop To It stage the Chicago Tumblers will be a-tumbling, the Alvin Ailey Dance Troupe will be a-trouping, KidTribe will be a-tribing, and the Ohmies, which has nothing to do with homies, will also be a-ohming.

Providing the Ohmies a place to ohm and lending a religious flavor to the occasion is the Yoga Garden, complete with professional yoga instructors. In place of Biblical references to Jesus’ death and resurrection, the New-Age Yoga Garden will pay homage to Sanskrit, Lord Krishna, and the Bhagavad Gita.

Apparently, the president decided not to encourage Planned Parenthood president Cecile Richards to hand out pamphlets in the Eggtivity Zone.  Instead, a whole list of athletes will be on hand to coerce sweaty, worn-out children to work out.  Keeping the pooped moving through the obstacle course at a good clip will be the job of people like Barack’s personal trainer, Cornell McClellan, ESPN aerobics instructor, Donna Richardson Joyner, Gallaudet University baseball coach, Curtis Pride, and Shellie Pfohl, Executive Director of the President’s Council on Fitness, Sports and Nutrition.

As if the whole day won’t be disappointing enough, instead of oozy-gooey Cadbury Eggs and jellybeans, adding flair to the event will be the hale-and-hearty queen of the Hamptons, Ina Garden, also known as the Barefoot Contessa. Ina will probably tell the children that when dipping carrot sticks into dark chocolate, to make sure to use “a really good chocolate,” and she’ll do it while asking the befuddled spectators “How bad can that be?”

Barbara, of B. Smith’s restaurants in New York, the Hamptons, and Washington DC, will also be there. Maybe B. will be manning a ‘What Not to Eat’ food station where she’ll be whipping up some of her famous Fried Macaroni and Cheese or a Washington DC Swamp Thang. Also on hand will be chefs Ann Burrell and her hair, Katie and her Chin, Top Chef Season 4’s Spike Mendlesohn, and teen cook and heartthrob Flynn McGarry.

At the Story Time stage, celebrities will entertain the children, and the full cast of stuffed broccoli spears and onions from Super Sprowtz will be reading to the children, who by now should be weeping inconsolably from gas pains and disillusionment. The adorable nine-year-old Hushpuppy from Beasts of the Southern Wild, Quvenzhané Wallis, will be reading to children she would otherwise be sitting with if Sasha and Malia hadn’t requested to meet her.

This year at Easter at the White House there just may be a way out for those children who, after collapsing from hunger, boredom, and exhaustion, are still not excused from having to participate in the exercise drills. NASCAR driver/GoDaddy representative Danica Patrick will also be on hand with a working NASCAR that should be gassed up and ready to go.

But one thing is certain…no one at the 135th White House Egg Roll will utter those words “He is risen indeed!”

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