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by Curtice Mang

The Obama administration will be sending $254.6 million in new aid to the governments of El Salvador, Guatemala and Honduras. This is in response to the flood of immigrants, many unaccompanied minors, from those countries entering the United States illegally over the past few months. And we’re already providing government assistance, including free legal representation, for these illegal immigrants once they get here. It’s a bit hard to see how giving these countries more money will be an incentive to change such behavior.

That’s sort of like your neighbor’s 16 year-old son stealing your car. Rather than pressing charges, you invite him over to dinner every night and give his dad $500. The kid’s dad then starts prepping his 14 year-old brother to steal your wife’s car.

In related news, Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) has received a directive that its agents can no longer refer to illegal immigrant children that cross the border alone as unaccompanied alien children, or “UACs.” Instead, they will now be referred to as Spongebob Squarepants devotees (SSDs).

In other news…

Edward Snowden is at it again with more National Security Agency (NSA) revelations. According to the Washington Post, “nine of 10 account holders found in a large cache of intercepted conversations…were not the intended surveillance targets but were caught in a net the agency had cast for somebody else.” This was based on data that Snowden provided to the Post. That certainly helps explain why, when searching online for Japanese restaurants recently, I got an unsolicited email advising me to “avoid the sushi.” Hoping to avoid any more NSA attention, I, um, avoided the sushi.

Pope Francis recently lamented people working on Sundays, rather than resting. He said, “Maybe it’s time to ask ourselves if working on Sundays is true freedom.” Never wanting to miss an opportunity, liberals near and far hailed the statement. With American workforce participation at an all-time low, it seems liberals are pleased to expand “true freedom” to the other six days of the week as well.

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, leader of the Islamic State (IS) group that now holds territory in both Iraq and Syria appeared in a video recently to appeal to the masses. The reclusive militant called on Muslims to obey him. Many noticed what appeared to be a very expensive watch (a Rolex, perhaps) on his wrist. Not to worry we are told, in keeping with the tradition of Islamic extremists, the hands on his watch only go backwards.

According to the Daily Mail, some experts believe that global warming could eventually lead to the extinction of redheads in Scotland. The Mail said, “Experts believe that Scotland’s gloomy climate has led to a red hair emerging as a genetic adaptation to help exploit rare sunny days and boost Vitamin D production.” To put it in non-scientific terms “Lucy! You got some ‘splainin’ to do!”

Women students enrolled in Women and Gender Studies Professor Breanne Fahs’ classes at Arizona State University (my alma mater – sigh!) can receive extra credit if they don’t shave their underarms or legs for 10 weeks during the semester. Fahs is apparently the director of something called the Center for Feminist Research on Gender and Sexuality Group at ASU. We’re not exactly sure what the group does, but we are certain no one in the group does ads for Norelco.

One of the students who chose to participate, Jaqueline Gonzales, said the experience started on her path of activism. She is no longer, as she put it, an armchair activist. No, more of an armpit activist, we think.

And to wrap up the holiday weekend…

The big news over the July 4 holiday weekend was that Joey Chestnut was once again victorious in the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest. Although he seemed to have left his “A” game at home, his 61 hot dogs were eight shy of his record of 69, he nonetheless won the contest for the eighth time. Chestnut said afterwards that he never got his rhythm. Rhythm?

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