We Got Mail!

Below is an email that is circulating, and one of my followers asked me for an appropriate response, below in RED.


Dear Red States,

We’ve decided we’re leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we’re taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren’t aware, that includes Hawaii , California , Oregon , Washington , Minnesota , Wisconsin , Michigan , Illinois , New York , and all of the Northeastern states. After this election, we’ll be adding Colorado and New Mexico. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, especially to the people of our new country – Nuevo California.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states; we get stem cell research, the best beaches, and the best ski resorts. We get the Statue of Liberty; you get Dollywood. We get Intel and Microsoft; you get WorldCom. We get Stanford, Harvard, Princeton, Yale, Cal Tech, MIT and Columbia; you get Ole’ Miss.

We get 85 percent of America’s venture capital and entrepreneurs; you get Alabama. We get two-thirds of the tax revenue; you get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than that of the Christian Coalition, we get a bunch of happy families and you get a bunch of under-educated single moms.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we’ll need all of our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They apparently have kids they’re willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don’t mind if you don’t televise their kid’s caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq and hope that those Weapons of Mass Destruction turn up for you, but we’re not willing to spend any more of our money in Bush’s Quagmire.

With the Blue States, we will control 80 percent of the country’s fresh water, 90 percent of pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation’s fresh fruit, 97 percent of America’s quality wines (you can serve French wines at your state dinners), 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, and all the Ivy League and Seven Sister schools. We also get New England, the Great Lakes and Yosemite, thank you very much.

In the Red States, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans and their projected health care costs, 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, 100 percent of tornadoes, 94 percent of hurricanes, 99 percent of Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, and Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Bob Jones University, and Clemson.

Additionally, in the Red States, 38 percent actually believe Jonah was swallowed by a whale; 62 percent believe life is sacred unless it involves the death penalty or gun ownership; 44 percent claim that evolution is only a theory; 53 percent insist that Saddam Hussein was involved in 9/11; and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you have higher moral standards than those of us on the left.

By the way, we’re taking all the good pot, too. You get that dirt weed from Mexico and Kansas ditches.

Peace out,

The Blue States

Dear Blue States,

First, we gladly accept responsibility for reforming your racist legacy in all the aforementioned Red states. We can hardly wait to see how many crack babies you will create in new states that you have recently won. After all, your interventionist meddling in the Black community has worked so well for them.

Let’s take inventory, shall we? You were thinking the Civil Rights movement, right? Nope, that was ALL Republican-sponsored and enacted legislation, beginning in 1866, you know, the year after the slaves were freed…by Republicans.

Let’s continue. Hmmm…I’m at a loss. OK so what they have received is higher per capita high-school dropout rates, teenage pregnancy rates, single family homes, unemployment, Blacks in prison, alcoholism, drug abuse, and crime in the Black community? With all that I can see why Blacks have overwhelmingly voted Democrat since the 1950s. Just look at all the HIGHS that it’s gotten them! I bet Blacks can hardly wait to live in your new Utopia…can you say “Jonestown”?

Oh, but they do have one low you should be credited with…business ownership. One might feel that you like them to (1) work for you, and (2) to be less educated, ok “stupid”, sort of like, well…SLAVES!

By the way, your abandonment of all the Red states has left in our care about 35% of the Black population, who thankfully won’t have to be freed from your oppressive, racist, KKK-legacy-having, plantation-owning, Black vote-denying, slave-owning gentile hands.

And as for your Utopia? – Next Liberal project – The Hispanics!

Freedom! We out!

The Red States

© 2008 Kevin Jackson – The Black Sphere All Rights Reserved

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