The Hysterical History of Crackers

I was in Las Vegas over the weekend, and I joked with my friend Jim Hoft, St. Louis’ Gateway Pundit, calling him a “Cracka” during an interview.

Jim gave a surprised laugh, evident my comment gave him no discomfort.  Nevertheless, the blatant use of the term Cracker these days got me to thinking about Crackers in general. So I decided to perform a quick investigation.

In my investigation, I was surprised at all I had not known about Crackers.  Like the sheer number of crackers out there! So many in fact, that I suggest America is made up of nothing but Crackers.

Even more revealing is that Crackers run the gamut of the color spectrum; yes, Crackers come in all colors! For example, you have your very white Saltine Crackers, which includes all my fish-belly white friends also known as “Gingers.”  Saltines include Scandinavians, Germans, Russians, Slavs, many Brits and even some Spaniards.

Well-tanned whites in America might be considered Ritz Crackers, and it is they who based on looks alone could be confused with Graham Crackers, a group that includes Arabs, Hispanics, and even some blacks.

And though there is distinction between cookies and crackers, that is only for the purist, because there is an Oreo Cracker, which of course is the black Conservative.

As for Cracker origins, you would be hard-pressed to find a pure Cracker. Almost all had some flavoring, and many had nuts and seeds.

I even had kosher Crackers at one of my Jewish friend’s house, so Crackers even cross religious lines. And who could forget the Communion Wafer, which we all know ain’t nothin’ but a Catholic Cracker!

Colleges and urban soirees have Party Crackers, who origins I learned are from Old English Crackers, ironically served at Tea Parties!

Wise Crackers come in all shapes and sizes, and they are not wise at all, but quite irritating.

Firecrackers have a lot of spunk, and are team players. They usually climb the corporate ladder quite quickly.  Firecrackers make people jealous, particularly Union Crackers aka Union Wafers, who conspire to keep firecrackers down.

Town House Crackers are little short guys who live in tree houses. Most of these Crackers are from the Keebler family, and surprisingly accepted by all.

The very wealthy tend to be Club Crackers, but don’t get Club Crackers confused with Crackers who just like to go clubbing. And Crackers who like to go clubbing should not be confused with the LAPD, who again are just Crackers who like to club Rodney King.

Crackers don’t all have to be human, thus we have Animal Crackers!

Bill Clinton would call Hillary a “nut cracker”, and of course there are just nutty Crackers like Rosie O’Donnell, Janeane Garofalo, and poster boy for this list, Mel Gibson.

Needless to say, Americans use the word “cracker” day in and day out, with little outcry from any crackers. Jim Hoft laughed when I called him a Cracker, because Jim can make fun of his crackerness!  He is a tall lanky Midwesterner, who can’t dance—typical for a Saltine.

Here’s the wrap:

Jim doesn’t see white people as “weak and in need of government protection,” because somebody called them a WORD! How silly is that?!

When the news of the cracker comment by the Black Panthers about “killing Cracker babies” broke, there were no committees formed by whites getting together to fight the oppression of the Black Panthers. Instead there were hundreds of Facebook pages started with “cracker” in their name. Many people added “Cracker” as their middle names.  Ted “Cracker” Nugent, Ronald “Cracker” Reagan, and so on. Self-deprecating humor by white people skyrocketed.

Whites took the statement by the Black Panthers as just a “wannabe Cracker” trying to get attention—more funny than threatening. Anybody want to guess what the reaction would have been by blacks, had the situation been opposite? Malik “N-word” Shabazz…NOT!

Now Liberal blacks will say Jim’s reaction is just a testament of this being a Cracker’s world. Moreover as we have learned from Shirley “I’m still really a racist” Sherrod, it’s a rich, white Cracker’s world. I will be called a Cracker Lover, and race sellout, and yes, Oreo Cracker.

Nevermind that the president is half black. Because Liberal blacks constantly ignore that Obama is also half cracker—wheat cracker is my guess.

Whatever kind of Cracker you are, my hope is to one day go back to only caring about the content of the cracker’s character.

That’s my rant!

© 2010 Kevin Jackson – The Black Sphere, LLC All Rights Reserved

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