Once upon a time there was a Santa Claus who happened to be white. Nobody really thought about Santa Claus being white, just that he brought joy to all the boys and girls all over the world. But then these mean people called Progressive Liberal Utopians (Plutopians) decided that the world needed changing, since White Santa neglected the little Jews and Muslims, and his practices oppressed minority children. The time had come for a politically correct Black Santa.
Though Black Santa’s resume was light, it was said he would bring even more joy to the world…the entire world. The people loved Black Santa, because he was not portly and rotund like White Santa; Black Santa was tall and lean, dare I say sexy. Black Santa began his tenure traveling the world apologizing for White Santa’s oppression of them.
Black Santa was an idealist, and he promised people whatever they wanted. In the land of Black Santa, unicorns poop butterflies and cough rainbows, and there is no need for money. You just wish upon a black star.
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Black Santa created a world where Christmas was free of the shackles of religious significance, and thus be deemed, “The Holiday Season of X-mas.” X-mas now meant the redistribution of toys from others to all black boys and girls by Black Santa. America had entered the “Dark Ages of X-Mas.”
The first X-mas of Black Santa was uneventful, as “It’s White Santa’s Fault.” Black Santa used White Santa’s lame duck period to assess the operation and make his recommendations. Black Santa had a year to contemplate how to “pay that woman’s rent and car note,” and implement the change the North Pole would need.
Though there was no budget or need, Black Santa hired 41 new black elves and he called them Santa’s Black Caucus. Santa’s Black Caucus bickered a lot, and were constantly asking for more. They demanded that all toys be white, and wanted reparations, saying “White chirrens got more toys than black chirrens in the past, and this must be corrected.”
Santa’s Black Caucus wasn’t his only issue, as the environmentalists demanded that Black Santa implement green policies at the factory, demanding the use of solar and wind power to replace fossil fuels. This policy led to black outs at the factory.
Black Santa’s operation hit hard times, and he was forced to make cut backs. Black Santa made the working conditions untenable for the original hardworking elves, so they all quit and were ineligible for unemployment benefits.
The second X-mas was even worse. Santa had no solution for reviving the factory, though he talked a good game. Black Santa held lots of meetings constantly taking the sled all over the country for “listening tours.” The reindeer complained about their increased work load, citing that Black Santa took ten times more vacations than White Santa. Word at the Pole was that Black Santa was lazy.
The white elves had transitioned to capitalism, running “White Market” businesses where they imported most of their goods from China. This significantly impacted the toy trade, and put a serious dent in Black Santa’s now almost non-existent supply-chain.
Black boys and girls began grumbling that they were getting less from Black Santa, than they got from White Santa.
Year Three was by far the worst. Now the white elves were dominating production, finding new markets abroad. Previous believers in Black Santa were getting their goods from the elves. Black Santa had created record unemployment (34 straight months of unemployment above 8%), record deficits ($15T+), and record spending with nothing to show for it. Then there was that snafu of delivering the $10M drone to the wrong recipient. It was evident to most that Black Santa was in way over his head.
White Santa was at a BET Awards ceremony, where he commented:
“I’m shocked at the incompetence of Black Santa. In all my years of being Santa, we never missed a single gift, and the gifts were delivered on time, and not on CPT. This latest incident of delivering a $10M gift to a hostile foreign nation is beyond the pale. I think somebody needs to look into that. And don’t even get me started on the weapons delivered to those Mexican bandidos. Y’all gon’ make me lose my mind up in here!”
With no toy manufacturing in the North Pole, Black Santa was forced to go straight up gangsta, stealing toys. Black Santa issues executive orders that essentially allowed union thugs to just take toys of the white elves trucks straight to flea markets.
Black Santa’s Justice Elf Holder said that anybody stopping black drivers and asking for proper ID would be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.
It seems nothing is working, and the factory has all but shut down. Black Santa has been forced to lay off the Black elves. The good news is they still get full pay and benefits.
Tune in next year for what will be the final year of The Dark Age of X-Mas…
That’s my rant!
© 2011 Kevin Jackson – The Black Sphere, LLC – All Rights Reserved