Seizing Hairdryers and Emancipating Aliens

Next time you’re in a large crowd or eating a powdered cruller at Dunkin Donuts, try not to think about the fact that there are people coming over the border or arriving through customs from Asia with drug-resistant tuberculosis. Moreover, when you’re at the mall and you see a nervous-looking Middle Eastern-type guy pacing around with a backpack, shoo it away from your mind and don’t let anything stand between you and that hot Aunt Annie’s pretzel you’ve had a hankering for.

Furthermore, when you realize that the President can’t figure out that there’s a big difference between releasing 1,000 immigrants a week for three weeks versus releasing a “few hundred” in a couple of weeks, don’t let that stop you from demonstrating “The Harlem Shake” on Face Time.

The concern here isn’t “the high prevalence of infectious diseases and increasing movement of people across the borders.” No, what takes precedence over the infiltration of foreign contagions is our government making sure the produce guy handling the tomatoes in the supermarket is free to pass along a  deadly super bug without fear of reprisal or deportation.

Americans must keep in mind that drug-resistant TB, al Qaeda insurgents, and a President who cares more about the protecting the sensibilities of ne’er-do-wells than the safety of increasingly vulnerable law-abiding Americans are all mere incidentals in the overall scheme to “fundamentally transform” the United States of America.

Let’s also remember that without 7-Eleven franchise owners, landscapers, bus boys, and nail salon girls, Americans would be deprived the opportunity to avail themselves of a crash course in cultural diversity.

So what if the Department of Homeland Security deems Americans more dangerous than thousands of illegal immigrants? If legal citizens were nice people, they’d realize that it’s no big deal that instead of extraditing thousands of illegal immigrants facing deportation, Janet ‘Big Sis’ Napolitano’s budget-saving measure was to release hordes of foreign criminals onto the streets of Georgia, Texas, California and Arizona.

The truth is, the illegal immigration issue is not so cut and dried, because although it was easy to walk 2,000 guns across the border, it would be impossible to walk 2,000 immigrants back across the border in the same direction from whence came “Fast and Furious” gun walkers.

Therefore, Americans should refrain from overreacting, because resources are limited and Homeland Security can’t possibly be monitoring everything. Think about it – who has the time to seize dangerous hairdryers on the border, watch out for right-wing extremists and pro-lifers, and also keep track of how many illegal detainees have dribbled their way out of detention centers onto the sidewalks of some of America’s most bucolic neighborhoods?

Not only that, but the complexity of Obama-nomics is such that, although it doesn’t make sense, the president is convinced it’s less expensive for the federal government to support 2,000-plus illegals for the rest of their lives than it is to pack them onto a cargo plane and drop them off at Benito Juárez International Airport.

Still, current data does indicate that there is an average daily population of 30,733 illegals being detained – a number the Obama administration had planned to reduce to “25,748 by March 31.” Yet, despite those figures, White House shill Jay Carney said that the recent release of the 2,000 is neither Barack O’s nor Janet N’s fault.  Instead, according to pass-the-buck Carney, it’s a career Immigrations and Customs Enforcement (ICE) official’s fault.

Ironically, Jay’s ICE contention is similar to the one that maintained that the walking of 2,000 guns to Mexican drug cartels was the fault of the FBI in conjunction with Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, not Attorney General Eric Holder.

Notwithstanding the latest emancipations and the predictions that more will come, ICE spokesman Brian Hale is reassuring concerned xenophobes everywhere that, “At this point, we don’t anticipate additional releases, but that could change.” Who’d like to wager a bet that ‘could change’ will change?

Which raises an obvious question: If the federal government feels comfortable releasing a mélange of illegals onto American streets, why even bother with a DREAM Act?  All a savvy gatecrasher needs to do is sneak over the border, purposely get caught, be incarcerated at American taxpayers’ expense, and if they’re patient, eventually they’ll be freed and given Social Security, Medicaid, and a free college education.

Nonetheless, be it Homeland Security, ICE, the White House, or whomever, the bottom line is this: Americans should learn to be grateful that Barack Obama is so determined to ensure money is available for the things he deems important, he’s willing to sabotage the sequester he himself thought up and punish the American people in order to secure them.

After all, if we don’t release illegal immigrants, how else can tax dollars be saved to provide items like free birth control and abortions to promiscuous coeds, Michelle Obama’s quarterly million-dollar vacations, robot squirrel projects, free cell phones, Smokey the Bear hot-air balloons, talking anti-drunk-driving urinal cakes, and the “Streetcar Named Desire” trolley in St. Louis?

Unfortunately, there are still those in our midst who believe Obama is risking the nation’s health, wellbeing, and national security.  Fortunately, there is a quick fix to address those selfish Americans who object to releasing illegal immigrants onto our streets: Pull out the liberal playbook, beat back criticism with a lot of budget-saving and “low-risk federal detainee” rhetoric and, as always, reinforce the action with a hearty measure of nationalistic guilt.

In the end, despite the intolerant naysayers among us, there remain the highly evolved group of liberals who realize that releasing two- to three thousand illegal immigrants on American soil is merely helping those less fortunate fulfill long-held hopes and dreams at the expense of America’s longsuffering people.

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