Sexy Snails and Other Federally Funded Priorities

In order to find a way to reopen White House tours, somebody should really be appointed the job of figuring out where to cut corners. 

Clearly, the $900K that was spent on the president’s weekend golfing expedition with Tiger Woods in Florida, at the rate of $74,000 per week, could have kept the doors of the White House open to schoolchildren for the remainder of the school year.

If the feds want to squeeze another couple of months’ worth of tours out of the tight budget, maybe the National Science Foundation can rescind its $876,752 grant to the University of Iowa to study the sex lives of New Zealand mud snails.  During this administration at least, finding out “why any organism has sex,” apparently takes priority over White House tours for students.

But then again, isn’t Georgetown University sexpert Sandra Fluke someone who should be able to answer that question without it costing taxpayers a million dollars?

Nonetheless, the purpose of the snail sex study is to see if it’s better for snails to “reproduce sexually or asexually.”  Seems snails do both, which could offer hope for women who desire to have children but haven’t met that special someone just yet.

The sex-obsessed University of Iowa already did a human study on casual sex and long term relationships.  Those results revealed that people who hook up for a spontaneous sexual encounter can ultimately have as meaningful a long-term relationship as those who refuse to jump into the sack with any Tom, Dick, Sally or Chaz.

However, what that study forgot to mention was, that although a significant relationship could start with a “spark” between two people across a room, “friends with benefits” could end up sharing antibiotics when they join the 110,197,000 STD sufferers (1 in 3) presently falling madly in love across America.

So let’s see, it’s costing the taxpayers almost a million dollars because the University of Iowa is moving on from ‘booty calls’ to the question of why so “many organisms practice sexual reproduction?”  And they’re using mud snails as lab rats?

Guess so, because according to the University of Iowa, snails are proving that “sexual reproduction is more costly than asexual reproduction, yet nearly all organisms reproduce sexually at least some of the time.” Wow.

Schoolchildren should just buck up and understand why Barack Obama has forbidden guests to tour the White House.  Being the sterling administrator that he is, the president has his priorities in order.  After all, the University of Iowa deserves a million bucks to find out why “sexual reproduction is so common despite its costs.” Sarcasm aside – we’re funding a study with a million dollars we don’t have in order to find out why sexual reproduction is common and costly?

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