Sexy Snails and Other Federally Funded Priorities

To get the biggest bang (no pun intended) for their buck, “This project will use a different organism, Potamopyrgus antipodarum, a New Zealand snail.”  Apparently, in lieu of a stork, New Zealand snails have both “sexual and independently-derived asexual lineages that make [them] ideally suited to address fundamental evolutionary questions of how genes and genomes evolve in the absence of sexual reproduction.”

Delving deeper into the press release we learn that the “broader aim of the study is to find out why sexual reproduction and males exist, arguing that sex is biologically inefficient for females. Because an asexual organism can simply clone itself faster than it can reproduce if it finds a mate.”

Ah ha! It used to be that the only thing women who hate men needed in life was some frozen sperm from a gay best friend and a turkey baster.  Now snail sex studies are proving what Janeane Garofalo and Ellen DeGeneres knew all along: “female organisms shouldn’t need to produce sons instead of daughters because producing daughters simply involves asexual duplication – which can then duplicate themselves – while male offspring cannot produce other male offspring unaided.”

In that recent informational handout, the University of Iowa circulated to interested parties, the university clarified the following:

 [T]he commonness of sex is surprising because asexual females should be able to produce twice as many daughters as sexual females that make both male and female offspring. Despite this and other costs, nearly all organisms reproduce sexually at least some of the time. This means that sex must be associated with profound advantages, while asexual reproduction must have significant evolutionary consequences.

What is confusing is that the Hawkeyes just found out in that casual sex/meaningful relationship study that human beings like sex so much that in some cases they’ll disregard morals, threat of illness, and personal self-worth.  But now the federal government is giving the same study group more grant money to tell the people they claim like to copulate with strangers that “sex must be associated with profound advantages?”

And children are being deprived White House tours for this?

Let’s just admit it, besides a sequester, Washington DC is also home to women’s studies entities like Janet ‘Big Sis’ Napolitano, Elena Kagan, Sonia Sotomayor, and America’s first gay Congresswoman, Wisconsin’s very own Tammy Baldwin.

Which may be why, in Barack Obama’s woman-friendly administration, shutting down White House tours indefinitely is a small price to pay to find out that men, especially those who make decisions in Washington DC, are as useless as snail sex and just as slow on the uptake. 

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