Kevin Jackson Shocks the World by Coming Out Not Gay!

Jackson also lamented that the invitations he was getting to Lia Sophia jewelry parties abruptly dropped off, and unexpectedly the barber who lathered up and shaved his head in time to Marvin Gaye’s “Sexual Healing” claims he’s always booked now and no longer taking appointments.

And as if that wasn’t upsetting enough, as a result of his announcement, old friend and part-time interior decorator Mr. Phyllis is no longer interested in decorating Kevin’s interior.

Yet, despite some negative blowback Jackson is hopeful – not only about the freedom that comes with being totally honest about his sexuality, but also about the inspiration it will give those contemplating stepping out of the shadows into the heterosexual light.

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Kevin claims that next to fathering his four sons, coming out as ‘NOT gay’ has so empowered him that he has decided to divide his time between black conservative events and ‘NOT gay’ activism.  Jackson is so committed to the ‘NOT gay’ movement and so determined to maintain the image of virility, he decided to decline a lucrative offer to be the official spokesperson for Androgel a medication for men suffering with low testosterone.

Instead, in addition to his involvement in varied Tea Party activities, Jackson is in the process of actively organizing a ‘YAG (You Aren’t Gay) Pride Parade,’ which he hopes will feature an oversized ‘Yo’ Mama is a Heterosexual’ float, huge bouquets of phallus-shaped balloons, and a heterosexual version of a Queer Eye for the Straight Guy no-need-to-come-out-of-the-closet information booth.

As summer approaches, Kevin said he is also looking forward to not having to deal with men in tight Speedos and swimming goggles purposely kicking sand in his face at the beach, and next Christmas proudly donning his ‘NOT gay’ apparel.  Mr. Jackson also plans to reinforce his ‘NOT gay’ announcement by kissing lots of women underneath the mistletoe at Christmas parties and dancing wildly at weddings to “Macho Man” without feeling a bit self-conscious.

But above all, according to Kevin Jackson, what coming out as ‘NOT gay’ has done is provide him an opportunity to explain to friends, and his relieved Aunt Gertie that if being homosexual makes a person ‘gay,’ his admitting that he’s ‘NOT gay’ has made him even gayer.

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