Breaking News from St. Louis – The FBI announced today that due to surveillance and other classified surveillance techniques, they have indeed found an item of profound national security implications.
The FBI received a tip off from NSA who apparently overheard Lindsay Lohan discussing sobriety–or lack thereof–and that she knew the location of a precious American artifact. Reacting to this tip, the FBI did discover Jimmy Buffet’s “lost shaker of salt.”
The FBI would not comment on what they now deem “an ongoing investigation,” however we learn that there is speculation that the cold dead hand holding the salt shaker may be that of James Hoffa.
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We overheard comments from investigators that Hoffa may have been topping off his Margarita, when he should have been reaching for his gun.