Barack “Barry” Obama and the ‘Ball Cutter’

Barack Obama is headed to the G-20 Summit by way of Sweden.

Having canceled his one-on-one with his fast-becoming nemesis Vladimir Putin, at least for a few days Obama will be among friends in the Nordic nation of gay-friendly Scandinavian socialist types.

We also know that Vladimir Putin has a penchant for swimming in Siberian Rivers, which means Barack Obama, who has admitted that he is indeed a man with a “competitive streak,” may want to bone up on his backstroke before Air Force One touches down in St. Petersburg.

What would be perfect is if, while he’s in Sweden, President Obama takes to the icy waters between Sweden and Denmark to practice subzero swimming. Then, during the G-20 summit, in an effort to settle their cold war differences Obama can challenge Putin to a mano a mano Syria swim-off in a Siberian river.

The problem is that recently, a fish that is a relative of the piranha called a pacu was spotted in Sweden’s Öresund Sound. A pacu taking up residence in cold, low-salinity Swedish water could curtail any plans President Obama might have to train while in Sweden. Why? Because the pacu has an affinity for human testicles, and when hungry has been known to bite off a set or two.

Originating in the Amazon, the pacu has shown up in locations as diverse as Papa, New Guinea and Lake Lou Yaeger, Illinois, which is only 213 miles from Barack Obama’s hometown of Chicago.

And while Vladimir may only be 5′ 7″, the pacu can grow up to three feet in length and weigh up to 55 pounds. Mostly, pacus enjoy eating marine plant life and snails, but they’ll also munch on vegetative nuts from time to time, as well as the “nuts” of the male genitalia type, which is how the “crotch chomping fish” got the nickname “ball cutter.”

Henrik Carl, Danish museum fish expert, said this about the pacu:

They bite because they’re hungry, and testicles sit nicely in their mouth. And its mouth is not so big, so of course it normally eats nuts, fruit, and small fish, but human testicles are just a natural target. It’s not normal to get your testicles bitten off, of course, but it can happen, especially now in Sweden.

One can see how this might pose a bit of a problem for Obama, especially if he doesn’t want to share the family jewels. Moreover, dodging a ball-cutter could put a damper on his plans for a “shot across the bow” – a photo op showing off his swimming skills in the frosty waters off of Sweden.

So what’s a manly man like Barack Obama to do?

Well, the good news is that according to Henrik Carl, there is nothing to fear for a fella planning to “take a dip in the area,” saying, “No, there’s nothing to worry about, you’re more likely to drown than get your nuts bitten off.”

This is true as long as you have nuts to begin with, which, according to Vladimir Putin, in Barack Obama’s case is somewhat questionable.

Either way, it’s a lose-lose situation for the president.

Because whether Barack Obama swims in pacu-infested Öresund Sound or goes to Russia with his manhood still intact, Pacu Putin is likely preparing to do more damage to Barack’s shrinking gonads than any flesh-eating fish ever could.

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