To Honor Queen Michelle, Upon Her Birthday

michelle-obama-latin-america-425ABC lists 50 ways to celebrate Michelle Obama’s BirthdayThere’s nothing like a good dose of common-sense journalism to breathe life into the Constitution.

Of course, this is nothing like a good dose of common-sense journalism.

So, in honor of the Queen’s birthday, I’ve made my own small list of things to do to commemorate the birth of her Royal Highness.


1. Cut the sleeves off of your favorite shirt. Everyone deserves the right to bare arms.

2. For the first time in your life, be proud of your country.

3. Send your kids to school with a cheeseburger, fries, a 2-liter cola, and a box of Twinkies.

4. Play a party game like, “Let’s MOVE!” (Michelle out of Washington).

5. Pretend your less-fortunate family members don’t exist. Then eat some caviar.

6. Practice those “angry eyes”.

7. Pretend some cute, blonde Prime Minister actually gives a toot about your husband. Now, get angry!

8. Lock up your traditions (they’re not safe).

9. Hug your freedoms. They’re very lonely today.

10. Sing the lyrics to “I Like Big Butts” until you begin to believe it.

11. Try to keep the projectile vomiting to a minimum.

12. Recite the Pledge of Allegiance… in Russian (I call this a “good head start”).

13. Believe in yourself (and some other loser). Then encourage the other loser to run for POTUS.

14. Recite the Pledge of Allegiance again. This time remember to end it, “All This for a Damn Flag”.

15. Eat your weight in stupid. Shove it down everyone else’s throat (they’ll thank you for it).

16. Throw a party and invite 500 of your closest friends. Use your enemies’ money to pay for it.

17. Hate on Oprah (Go ahead… you know you wanna).

18. Take a moment to reflect on why you wouldn’t have any friends if you didn’t buy them.

19. Declare, “Let them eat cake!” Then say, “Nah… just kidding”. Can’t have cake either!

20. Go to an elementary school and tell everybody’s kids what to do.

21. Offend the dignitary of your choosing.

22. BE the village Hillary warned us about.

23. SMILE! America’s going to hell in a hand basket!

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