Funny New Year’s Resolutions

New Year’s Resolutions are part of our culture now, and some could apply to us all.

Here are a few that could apply to anybody.

I will not tell the same story at every get together.

I will stop considering other people’s feelings when they so obviously don’t consider mine – if that unwashed fellow sits next to me again, I’ll tell him he stinks!

I will be more imaginative.

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Then again some could apply to Liberals.

Then again, there are those that apply to Liberals, and here are a few examples:


I will not bore my boss by with the same excuse for taking leaves. I will think of some more excuses.

I will do less laundry and use more deodorant.

I will avoid taking a bath whenever possible and conserve more water.

Assure my lawyer that I will never again show up drunk at a custody hearing.

Enjoy the rest!

I will give up chocolates totally. 100%. Completely. Honestly….

I will try to figure out why I *really* need nine e-mail addresses.

I will stop sending e-mails to my wife (husband).

I resolve to work with neglected children — my own.

I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.

I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I’m not a clock watcher.

I will read the manual… just as soon as I can find it.

I will not ring the stewardess button on airplanes just to get her phone number.

I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.

When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, “LOL… LOL!”

I will balance my checkbook. (on my nose).

I will find out why the correspondence course on “Mail Fraud” that I purchased never showed up.

Start buying lottery tickets at a luckier store.

Don’t eat medicine just because it looks like candy.

Always replace the gas nozzle before driving away from the pump.

I will always “check for paper” when leaving the restroom.

I will try to drive closer to the speed limit.

I will not wet the bed and blame it on my younger brother.

I promise to clean my room once a week even though I haven’t cleaned it more than once in the last year.

I will always wear clean underwear, “just in case”.

Never again will I try to diffuse an explosive device with a known practical joker.

Read less books. A little learning is a dangerous thing. Too much of it can really wreck your head.

Gain weight, at least 40 pounds. Didn’t your mom always say you were bit skinny.

Cut down on exercise. Too much is bad for your health, it can even kill you.

Watch more TV. It’s very educational. Catch up on all those programs you missed down the years.

Drink more. Wasn’t it Benjamin Franklin who said, beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. So be happy.

Work less. Take it easy. All work and no play can make you a dull boy or girl.

Play more computer games. Scientists say they’re good for you and improve your visual skills. But you always knew that.

I will spend less money on buying useless stuff like this new DVD Rewinder I had ordered for Christmas.

I will drive more carefully, people are starting to notice the dozens of dents in my car.

I will treat my girlfriend better, I won’t make her carry all the groceries the next time we go to the market.

I will no longer interfere in a game.

I will leave my brain at home while going to watch a supposedly scary movies like Scary Movie 1, 2, 3 & 4!

I will never again take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

I resolve to hold my breath and pull in my paunch when I cross my young secretary.

I will stop saying,” Ooh, that feels nice” whenever the security guys frisk me at airports.

I resolve not to see any serial or movie in which any dead character is brought alive.

Do you have any to add?


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