Breaking: Pelosi Calls Off Witch Hunt

In a very hushed meeting with top Democrats this morning, Nancy Pelosi took a bold stance. “It’s time to stop this madness, once and for all.” Pelosi demanded.

Democrats were so shocked, many were seen with their mouths gaped open. Maxine Waters, visibly shaken, stormed out of the building shouting “Impeach 45, Impeach 45” like a broken record. Adam Schiff’s expression was puzzling, given the crooked eye, but he definitely appeared disheveled.

Pelosi went on to tackle many of today’s hot topics.

Mueller Mishap

With a price tag exceeding $32 Million, democrats failed to find anything substantial to pin on the President. And while Pelosi was banking on a different outcome, she’s now ready to back down.

“Our constituents are tired of these fruitless investigations. They’re exiting the party. If we want to save this ship from sinking, we’ve got to change our strategy.” Pelosi preached.  She went on to suggest alternative uses for the millions wasted. In fact, Pelosi seemed to eat her own words at one point.

Recall when Trump announced a $500M increase in cancer research funding. Pelosi chimed in, criticizing the President. In fact, Pelosi called Trump’s number a drop in the bucket. However, today she acknowledged that $32M could have plumped up that drop.

Then Pelosi briefly touched on infrastructure needs such as improving roads and water supplies. She even mentioned school lunch programs. “There are so many ways we could reallocate all these investigation budgets if we gracefully bow out now.” Pelosi added.

Of course, I’m not sure if graceful could ever describe the democrats. Still, if Pelosi plans a peace treaty, I’m as confused as the next GOPer.

Epstein Weigh-In

Sources close to Pelosi admit the Speaker of the House might’ve suffered a small stroke.  How else can they explain her sudden about-face?

Before the morning meeting ended, Pelosi weighed in on the Epstein madness. At first, she seemed unwilling to throw Hillary under the bus. But after browsing a large collection of internet memes her aid collected, Pelosi broke into hysterical laughter. She then looked at Chuck Schumer and said “you know Epstein didn’t kill himself, right?!”

Moments later,  medics rushed in to take Pelosi’s vitals. AOC credits herself with making the life-saving call to 9-1-1. Her only regret is that the ambulance didn’t run on bio-diesel.

Doctors now theorize Pelosi suffered an ischemic stroke, possibly two to three years ago. This undetected stroke blocked the blood flow to the brain, leaving the brain unable to meet metobolic demands. In turn, poor oxygen supply, or cerebral hypoxia, lead to the death of brain tissues. However, in some crazy turn of events, the blockage cleared itself, and blood flow returned to normal.

This medical miracle helped Pelosi see the error in her ways. This left Trump to Tweet “I want to welcome Nancy Pelosi back to the land of the living. Now that she’s ending this witch hunt, we will accomplish big, big things.

Sadly, none of this is true. But it should be.



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