Have You Developed Toilet Paper Etiquette

Who hasn’t notice the insanity surrounding the toilet paper and hand-sanitizer shortages in the Era of the Chinese Wuhan Virus.

There is the obvious parallels to the USSR. During the Cold War, Communists waited in lines for their weekly allotment of toilet paper and vodka. Not that any self-respecting Russian would waste his vodka making hand-sanitizer.

While the shelves in grocery stores got a bit sparce, Americans remain the fattest people on the planet. Yes, even in the time of a so-called pandemic.

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Though the zombie apocalypse threatened the nation, food still exists in ample supply. This is particularly true for those who buy organic. The shelves for organic products and products for vegans stayed full the entire time.

Few people can afford organic. And in my opinion, vegans are Leprechauns and exist only in the imagination of Hollyweirdos and other Leftists. Because if vegans really do exist, they had the perfect opportunity to prove it and buy that nasty crap still languishing on supermarkets shelves.

I suspect so-called vegans felt that if it’s time to die, then why eat sh*tty food!

My point is, throughout the entirety of the Chinese Wuhan Virus Scare of 2020, food remained plentiful though less abundant. However, toilet paper and hand-sanitizer continue to be in high demand.

I will focus on the toilet paper shortage, because one can easily wash one’s hands. But wiping one’s ass offers more challenges.

Toilet paper under circumstances of scarcity? I will give some observations on our plight. Thankfully, I’m an expert on the topic.

People who know me well can affirm that I am fascinated by toilet paper. I have been since youth. I learned long ago that the toilet paper industry is huge in the U.S. Also, the industry is dominated by three manufacturers: Georgia-Pacific, Procter & Gamble. and Kimberly Clark.

To put the importance of wiping our asses in perspective, sales in toilet paper from Kimberly Clark alone generated over two billion U.S. dollars in sales in 2016. Imagine what it will be in the Year of the Chinese Wuhan Virus!

These three manufacturers combine to produce almost 80 percent of the U.S. toilet paper market with multiple factories creating multiple types of toilet paper. And there are many types of toilet paper. For the uninitiated, you likely haven’t considered all the choices you have, like style, size, color and softness.

For example, there are two categories of toilet papers: toilet paper made from trees, and toilet paper made from recycled paper. But, toilet paper is also available in several types of decorations and textures, and may even be moistened or perfumed.

Looking at decorations and textures, you will notice that different companies offer different patterns. Some patterns do a better job of cleaning your butt than others. Though a lack of pattern doesn’t necessarily mean a lack of cleanliness, as long as you get the good stuff. More on this in a bit.

Pattern is a matter of personal choice, though I doubt most people notice at all. They just buy what’s available with no consideration for their butt, or more specifically…their buttholes.

Besides pattern, other factors to consider are roughness, chemical residues, “finger-breakthrough” resistance (I know!), and water-absorption, to name a few.

As a kid growing up poor, my family usually had single-ply, non-water-resistant, rough toilet paper. Honestly, I might as well have wiped my ass with tree bark. But that’s what we could afford.

I learned early on that quality is determined by the number of plies: single-ply bad, two-ply good. But there is more to it than just plies.

Whether toilet paper is one or two-ply, each ply can be made of one to four layers of thin paper. Needless to say, the really cheap stuff I grew up with allowed for easy “finger-breakthrough”. So you wiped your butt, then had to wash your hands. Note: shouldn’t you wash your hands regardless?

There is one advantage to using low-grade single-ply, at least for women. Since low-grade single-ply feels like 100-grit sandpaper, women using it won’t need to get their ass hot-waxed to strip the hair off. How much does that save you?

The next step up is mid-grade two-ply toilet paper. Here’s where you get into texturing to provide softness and durability.

Finally, you get to premium toilet paper. This grade consists of the best pulped paper. It will have a minimum of two plies and up to four. The highest end of premium will contain aloe, lotion and wax. Yes, with the good stuff you can literally “wax that ass”, but in a good way.

I had the pleasure of experiencing the top of the line premium as a guest of a wealthy friend. And I sh*t you not: that toilet paper was the softest, most beautiful toilet paper my bungie hole ever felt. Woven by angels in Heaven who apparently used 1000-count Egyptian cotton. Imagine wiping your butt with little furry sheep, and you get the idea.

I didn’t bother trying to learn the brand. Why bother, as that paper was about $100 a roll. And if I had the coin, I would pay it and put those rolls in my “private collection”. Thanks for the memories, Foster.

What is your toilet paper etiquette?

Prior to the shortage, you likely didn’t pay much attention to your toilet paper usage. You didn’t even really have a procedure, per se. Because for most of us, toilet paper is a given. So when you take a dump, when finished you just rolled that paper off like a boss.

Those days are temporarily over. Now you monitor toilet paper usage. Both yours and others who potentially have access to your toilet paper.

I had friends cancel having guests due to their toilet paper shortage. What if one of the guests needed to go #2? Would they understand the family’s need to ration and accept Sheryl Crow’s “2 squares” to wipe? Or would they see the rationing as aggressive and end the friendship? Who wants to wrestle with those dilemmas?

I know my youngest son and I had “the talk”. And not about the sex or the police! We had the talk about his toilet paper usage!

This kid uses way too much toilet paper to wipe his relatively little butt. The kids craps three times and needs another roll. Perhaps in the days of plenty. But not anymore.

With toilet paper on lockdown in my house, he was given an allotment. Use it up, and he’s relegated to using old mix-match socks.

So I suspect you too have a process. No longer is toilet paper sitting at the ready on the toilet bowl. And I bet you look at those last couple of squares sticking to the cardboard at the end of a roll a LOT differently than you did pre-apocalypse. Suddenly you have a much greater appreciation for those deformed pieces that contain just a bit of the glue that allows them to stick to the cardboard holder.

Leave a note and tell us your funny toilet paper story.