The crazy gas prices, rising costs of food, and skyrocketing Bidenflation are cramping my style. And right when summer vacation rolled around.
Sadly, like millions of Americans, the current state of affairs slammed the brakes on my summer plans. But I just found out some incredible news. Turns out, I can go to the Big Apple, free of charge! All I have to do is call myself Gabriela, or maybe Isabella, and drive a few hours south.
You see, in this world where we’re now free to identify as whomever we choose to be, I think it’s time I become an illegal immigrant. I’ve thought it over, and with a plan like this, we could all get a little relief this summer!
Step one:
Choose a name that seems fitting of South American Culture. Jose, Alejandro, Diego, Jorge or Eduardo might do nicely if you identify as male. On the flip side, Lucia, Sofia, Juanita, Elena and Maria are all good female choices. Once you choose your name, brush up on a little Spanish- maybe practice rolling your r’s. It’s much more fun if you try to stay in character. Don’t forget to rename the wife (or hubby) and kids, too. Make it a family affair.
Step two:
Arrive in a border town such as El Paso, Hidalgo, or Mission, Texas. Admittedly, you will have to cover this part of your vacation. But don’t worry, soon the lights of New York City will illuminate your nights. Once in the border town, it should be pretty easy to find the conservatives helping load migrant busses bound for far-away places. Here’s the tricky part– be sure you pick New York, New York.
Step three:
Once you’ve arrived, be sure to get in line for the deluxe hotel accommodations. NYC Mayor Eric Adams says more than 50% of the city’s hotel rooms are now dedicated to housing migrants— and here is the GOLDEN part– the taxpayers are footing the bill.
Now, I know, as a conservative you might feel guilty for misappropriating taxpayer dollars. But let me encourage you to just go with the flow. Trust me when I say it’s better you get the room, as you have paid into the system your entire adult life.
Step four:
Tap into the benefits. You’re going to get hungry in that hotel, especially if you’re lounging by the pool on a summer day, but never fear, welfare is here.
While you technically can’t get SNAP (food stamps) as an illegal immigrant, you CAN get cash help twice a month, WIC, Medicaid, and various food pantry assistance.
This, my friends, is another benefit worth it’s weight in gold. For years now, I’ve had a few health problems. Sometimes I have to get weekly, or bi-weekly care. I do not have insurance, and the Affordable Healthcare Act didn’t help one bit. If I buy a plan, the monthly costs will hit my family too hard. We would quickly find ourselves without groceries, and definitely without much-needed medications.
So, I have repeatedly applied for Medicaid, partly so that the denial will help me qualify for other programs. As of right now, my current bill is more than $37,000.
In fact, by the time today’s appointment is tallied up, I’m sure I will be well over $40,000. Yet, I’ve worked, paid taxes, and contributed to society for as far back as I can see. Yes, I spent some years as a stay-at-home mom, but when I did, my husband was still working, paying taxes, contributing to society. You know, all the things illegal immigrants have not done and will not do.
Unfortunately, becoming an illegal immigrant might be my best shot and getting healthcare at this point. But I digress… this is about vacation. No need to worry about my toes randomly falling off when I’m dreaming up a Broadway Show. Heck, if you look hard enough, there is probably some grab bag of free tickets available to any illegal looking for a little NYC culture.
Step five:
Stay as long as you like. No one is trying to wrangle in this crazy hotel spending spree. Although, repurposing NYC’s empty office space would be more economical. Then, hotel rooms could continue to generate money from tourists and travelers, and the migrants would have a roof to sleep under. But that kind of thinking requires a bit more common sense than our New York City counterparts possess.
It’s only fair to warn you that at the end of step five, you must find your way back to reality on your own dime. But, it is my hope that after a few weeks of r-n-r at a swanky hotel, and a few baskets full of free food to carry you through, you might have enough funds leftover for a lovely train ride home. I hear Amtrak is an unforgettable experience, one that occupied Joe Bided for thousands and thousands of miles.
