I am pleased to give you the boat and oars to navigate the treacherous political correctness waters of the BLM (BIDEN LUNATIC MORES) era.
What to say, what to wear, whatever…it’s all here! JoJo Demento will be proud.
As long as Biden usurps the chair in the Oval Office (let’s hope his adult diapers stay dry), absolutely no more wearing togas at toga parties. That is, unless you are of 100% Greek extraction on both sides of your family. Naturally, this would also preclude ladies wearing Grecian-style evening gowns at black tie galas.
Wait a sec. You’re not off the hook yet. Don’t think that Halloween gives you a dispensation from cultural appropriation. Do not–I repeat do NOT–go out on Halloween dressed as an animal of any kind. And being an animal lover will not exculpate you from species appropriation.
You simply cannot go dressed as an inanimate object either. Honestly, who are you to pass yourself off as a piece of cheese?
Perish the thought about donning garb to make you look like a tree or any other plant. Haven’t you read the article by the guy who claims that trees talk to each other? Do you want to embarrass yourself walking past a forest? Would you really want to offend that weeping willow tree on your front lawn?
There now. We have eliminated all possible costume triggers for people, animals, inanimate objects and plants.
Have fun going naked to a Halloween party or out and about trick-or-treating! Just make sure the police don’t catch you. Oh, wait. I forgot. They’re defunded.
If I see you reaching for Tandoori Chicken in the frozen foods aisle of your grocery store, I will slap your hand. Unless you are Indian. Should you insist on buying it, know that you are, regardless of your race, an insensitive white supremacist. Furthermore you are guilty of paying homage to the British white supremacists who once upon a time colonized India.
Don’t eat pizza if you’re not Italian. I mean it. Being half-Italian doesn’t count–don’t you dare pick up that pizza slice!
Swear off Chinese takeout. And unless you’re a direct descendant of Genghis Khan, you can forget about ordering Mongolian beef.
Catching on? YOU ARE ONLY ALLOWED TO BUY AMERICAN FOOD!!! (What that is, I’m not quite sure. But I’ll let you know.)
You ought to be ashamed of yourself if you buy Scandinavian furniture at IKEA or anyplace else. That is unless you are Danish, Finnish, Norwegian or Swedish.
To avoid any cultural appropriation the only solution is to make your own furniture. But only if the wood is indigenous to America. That excludes Dutch Elm and suchlike. (That reminds me, do NOT plant tulips in your garden. Ever. That would insult the peoples of the Netherlands.)
Alas and alack, hiring, promotion and retention are getting tougher all the time. Unless you conform to the Biden ideal: i.e., you are biracial or multiracial (black, brown, red, yellow–anything but white), homosexual of either gender, or non-binary.
But there’s still hope for you if you’re a white cis-gender: renounce your religion, become an atheist (get a letter certifying this from your pastor or minister on church letterhead) and get transgender surgery. Be sure to bring your medical records to the job interview as verification.
Ladies, it is absolutely disrespectful to wear eye makeup which swoops up at the corners of your eyes giving you that Cleopatra look. It is just as much a no-no to put henna on your hair. As a matter of fact no more makeup of any kind should be worn. Cosmetics were invented by the Egyptians and you, my friend, are not an Egyptian.
Cultural appropriation applies just as much to animals. So promise me you won’t get a Siamese cat unless you are Thai. Siam, as you should know, is now called Thailand. If you violate this BLM rule, the FBI might confiscate your cat.
Are you Basque? If so you are welcome to purchase a Great Pyrenees dog. Ditto if you are French or Spanish–but only if you come from the area bordering the Pyrénées mountains. No Parisians or Costa Bravans need apply.
If you are not full-blooded Mexican but already own (a) Chihuahua(s), get rid of them. Immediately. Give them, along with reparations (i.e., money for feed, cute outfits and veterinary care for the rest of their lives), to a Mexican…preferably an illegal alien Mexican. Safest thing for you to do now is to get a mongrel whose lineage is indeterminate.
If you discover that your cat has given birth to a litter of 8 on the only bed linens that fit your guest room bed and your houseguests have already arrived, for the love of God do not exclaim, “Oh, my God!” Extrapolate this to any emergency or unpleasant situation such as if you come out of the frozen yogurt store to find that a hit-and-run person has torn off the entire driver’s side of your car. You might offend any atheists in earshot. I don’t exactly know how that works but I think it lessens their disbelief in God.
Forthwith cease learning or speaking foreign languages, at least until we’ve officially become property of China. (There’s also the issue of pig Latin but that’s a topic for another column.)
As for what you are supposed to think in the BIDEN LUNATIC MORES era, buy my soon-to-be-published, mobile (industrial 600-lb.-capacity dolly included) 987-volume hard copy guide. It’ll be advertised on Amazon, Facebook and all Big Tech social media. The digital version comes with a free external hard drive to prevent crashing your computer.
There. I feel better now. Do you?