Just in time for the holidays, America needs a new acronym to encapsulate the absurdities of modern governance: DOGE—Defenders of Government Evasion.
If DOGE had been active six months ago, perhaps they’d have sniffed out the peculiar case of GOP Congresswoman Kay Granger. While her constituents in Texas assumed she was hard at work, it turns out Granger had been tucked away in a dementia facility for half a year. Six months of legislative MIA, and no one—not her staff, not her colleagues, not even Speaker of the House Mike Johnson—seemed to notice.
What exactly were her staff doing during this time? Besides collecting taxpayer-funded salaries, they apparently took up careers in creative writing, drafting fake updates and speeches to keep the charade alive. If we can’t miss an elected representative for six months, perhaps it’s time to rethink both her role and her office.
And Granger isn’t alone. Let’s not forget the time Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin went AWOL—literally. While America danced on the edge of geopolitical chaos, with a proxy war in Ukraine and nuclear tensions with Iran, Austin quietly slipped away for what sources later described as a “routine medical procedure.” That could mean anything from breast implants to a tummy tuck. You never know with Biden’s military.
Just like with Granger, no one noticed Austin’s absence. The Pentagon hummed along without him. Again I ask, why do we need these people if they aren’t missed even as we deal with global crisis supposedly in their wheelhouses?
In another example, we get Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell. Introducing the latest poster child for career politicians who’ve overstayed their welcome. The man freezes on camera so often that Capitol Hill should invest in a de-icing machine. Yet his staff dutifully props him up, ready to swoop in whenever he stares blankly into the void.
Need more proof?
While McConnell blanking out is shocking, look at how staffers, sycophants, and suck-ups rally to make it look like “business as usual”.
McConnell recently announced he’d be “working from home.” I interpret this as code for “transitioning to hospice.”
What about The Big Guy?
Of course, no discussion of absentee leadership would be complete without mentioning Joe Biden. Democrats practically wore his mental decline as a badge of “Stolen 2020 Election” honor. Further, they branded anyone who pointed out his glaring deficiencies as “ableist” or “conspiracy theorists.”
Biden’s handlers deserve an Oscar for their work. They’ve managed to convince a large swath of the public that the man who trips over sandbags and forgets names mid-sentence is still running the country. Meanwhile, key decisions are outsourced to shadowy advisors or simply left on autopilot. Yet for all their efforts, even the best spin doctors couldn’t hide Biden’s failures: record-breaking inflation, a border crisis of biblical proportions, and foreign policy blunders that have alienated allies and emboldened adversaries.
The Problem of Political Lifers
Granger’s absence, Austin’s AWOL act, McConnell’s brain freezes, and Biden’s zombie presidency highlight a deeper issue: America’s addiction to political lifers. Take Dianne Feinstein, for example. Before her passing, Feinstein was wheeled into the Senate like an extra from a retirement home documentary, barely aware of where she was or what she was voting on. Yet she remained in office, her staff effectively running the show in her name.
Why does this keep happening? Because staffers, lobbyists, and party operatives have every incentive to protect their power and paychecks. These political enablers shield their bosses from scrutiny, ensuring that the government operates more like a poorly managed corporation than a republic accountable to its citizens.
A Government That Functions Without Its Leaders
The absurdity of it all is that government continues to function—or at least stumble along—even when its key players are absent or incapacitated. This begs the question: do we even need them? If Austin can go AWOL, Biden can barely function, and Granger can disappear entirely without consequence, perhaps it’s time to streamline the system.
Elon Musk recently made waves by mandating in-office work at his companies, arguing that employees who aren’t physically present are inherently less productive. Maybe it’s time to apply that principle to Congress and the executive branch. Let’s demand our elected officials show up, do their jobs, and be held accountable—or face termination, just like any regular employee.
America Deserves Better
The hypocrisy is staggering. These are the same people who preach about the importance of government while failing to fulfill their most basic responsibilities. It’s time to demand better. Americans deserve leaders who are present, competent, and willing to take their jobs seriously. Anything less is just another chapter in the tragicomedy of modern politics.
