THE LATEST COVID-19 MANDATES from the C.D.C. (Clowns Destroying the Country) 

These are now federal law, having passed the House and the Senate in an unprecedented emergency joint session.

White House aides interrupted their middle-of-the-night diaper-changing and post-change ice cream reward to allow Biden to immediately sign it into law as the “Mandated Exemplary Striving for Succor Act” (M.E.S.S.)

Accordingly I present them verbatim:


Due to violation of social distancing, breastfeeding is now a crime: a Class A felony to be precise.

Likewise is the attempt to hand-feed an infant, toddler, the disabled of any age, incapacitated elderly, and the hospitalized, who for any reason are unable to feed themselves.

The C.D.C. acknowledges that food and fluids are necessary to sustain life. Consequently, Anthony Fauci of the N.I.H. has generously partnered with the C.D.C. to fund the invention of remote feeding systems with the proviso that he take a cut in U.S.D. (no bitcoin or foreign currency) for each unit sold.


Fathers found escorting brides up the aisle will summarily be arrested and incarcerated without bail.

Grooms ambulating down the aisle are required to follow a minimum of six feet behind the bride after they are announced to be husband and wife.

Limousines are banned due to the impossibility of maintaining the requisite social distancing between driver and passenger(s). To conform to Environmental Protection Agency (E.P.A.) dictates regarding climate change and air pollution, each member of the wedding party and each attendee are now required to arrange for a bicycle. Tandem bicycles are expressly forbidden.

In case of inclement weather, truckers qualified to operate 18-wheelers have been granted a special federal license to transport human wedding cargo. Maximum allowances are 7 people per 40-ft. rig and 8 people per 50-ft. rig.

CAVEAT EMPTOR!  Let the buyer beware that their trucks are not designed for human transport and thus might not contain sufficient air to sustain life. Ergo, transportee shall forever hold harmless the transporter.

#3 CABS.

M.E.S.S. applies to medallion taxis as well as Uber and Lyft

However, unlicensed gypsy cabs driven by illegal aliens are exempted because Biden declared we have no border crisis. As such the White House and the State Department do not acknowledge the existence of illegal aliens.

#4 SEX.

All sex, be it hetero- or homo-, is banned on the grounds that it has been demonstrated that 6 feet of social distancing cannot be maintained. A special tax has been imposed on all Americans to fund the special drones that will be deployed in known red-light districts to surveil prostitutes in order to ensure they are not breaking the law.


Proctology exams are hereby forbidden until further notice.


Shoeshine persons must immediately cease and desist their operations. Likewise all shoe store personnel are forthwith forbidden from assisting customers in trying on shoes. This chapter of M.E.S.S. also extends to ski boots and skis, whether water or snow.


Henceforth no police person will be allowed to ride with a partner. (Hello-o-o-o! Haven’t these bozos heard that the police have been defunded??!!!)


No firefighters will be allowed to ride in the cab of a fire truck alongside the driver. One person per vehicle will be observed with the exception of Dalmatians who have been granted a waiver. All other personnel are expected to make their way to a fire in separate transport.


Absolutely no more than one person is allowed to man a gurney. And don’t even think of administering C.P.R. or AED (automatic external defibrillator) let alone mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.


No more than 2 (two) pallbearers are allowed per coffin, one person on each end. Anthony Fauci has once again generously provided for N.I.H. to fund grants to invent a social distancing-capable coffin transporter and remote hearse-loading and -unloading mechanism. This is provided he receives a commission for each foot distance of propulsion of said coffin plus a surcharge on each act of loading and unloading with a 4-incident minimum–including but not limited to funeral home, church, cemetery, crematorium—whether or not aforesaid locations are utilized.

Let me know if you think the C.D.C. has left anything out and I will promptly, officially notify the C.D.C. of said omission on behalf of The Kevin Jackson Network (


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