Outing a “woke” trend, Joe Biden eradicated job candidate qualifications in favor of vaginas and melanin.
JoJo Demento announced that he will appoint a black female to replace retiring Associate Justice of the Supreme Court, Stephen Breyer.
The Magic Scope
Curious as to how or if that would pervade our nation’s hiring practices, I turned on my ultra-high tech Magic Scope machine.
I subscribe to all 3 Magic Scope software plans: Silver to see what’s going on in the United States, Gold for International, and Platinum for Outer Space.
I pressed the silver button on my Magic Scope. In a rural desert town I saw the president of a welding company, Les B. Klewliss. Klewliss would have been the 5th generation of the family welding company except for the fact that he didn’t know how to weld. His father and uncles tried and tried to teach him, but Klewliss fainted at the sight of an oxyacetylene torch. Consequently, the patriarch of the family figured the military would make a man out of him.
That didn’t work. He flunked the recruitment interview at all 5 services because he was frightened by loud noises, including slamming doors. So, as a last resort, his disappointed father shipped him off to college where, despite Klewliss being Caucasian and male, he majored in Black Studies and minored in Women’s Studies. After graduation, so that his family could keep an eye on him, he was made president of the company.
Klewliss felt guilty that he couldn’t find a both black and female applicant for a welding vacancy, but the tiny town had an all-white population.
I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR
Smitty, the shop foreman, consulted his clipboard. First on the list of 27 applicants was the only woman. The other 26 were, like Smitty, all AWS (American Welding Society)-certified. Except Smitty also had a CWI and practically every certification and re-cert there was.
In walked a female with steel-toed boots, Levis, a white T-shirt with a cigarette pack tucked into her rolled up left sleeve, and a Rachel Maddow haircut.
“Howdy, Ms.—”. Interrupting Smitty with a friendly “Just call me ‘Sam’,” she jovially volunteered, “I had my name legally changed from Samantha.” She sat down, knees spread wide apart.
“Sam, what welding experience do you have?” asked Smitty, noticing a bit enviously, that Sam had more tattoos than he did.
“I soldered the foot back on my granny’s wrought iron sewing machine stand,” ex-Samantha answered, displaying tobacco-stained teeth and one gold front tooth.
“Hired!” exclaimed Klewliss, beaming and nearly bouncing out of his chair in exultation. Smitty shot him a side eye.
“O.K. Let’s start you off on one of my 18-wheelers that needs a bumper welded back on,” said Smitty. “It’s the Peterbilt out back,” he clarified, furrowing his forehead.
“Oo!” grinned Klewliss, clapping his hands with glee as Smitty shot him another side eye. Mission accomplished, Klewliss happily left to drive back home in his electric car that was adorned with a Biden bumper sticker on the back, a Bernie Sanders sticker on the front, and a Beto O’Rourke bobblehead on the dashboard.
As Sam swaggered out the door she bellowed, somewhat off-key, lyrics from Helen Reddy’s iconic feminist anthem: “If I have to, I can do anything. I am strong. I am invincible. I am woman!”
It was 113 degrees out. The bumper was too heavy for Sam, and anyhow the asphalt melted and gave way. She was found 2 feet underneath the bumper, baked into the asphalt. It was a closed casket funeral.
Life in the Big City
Curious as to how things were going elsewhere, I tuned in my Magic Scope to a big city.
Since 1731, the fire station I saw had instated a mascot and all subsequent pups were her descendants. Black and female, Taciturnia Johnson was their new hiree and first ever female firefighter. Except that she had never fought a fire, had never even gone out on a call, and never would go. Let me explain.
The “woke” mayor previously ordered the fire chief to immediately hire a black female, specifying gender and skin color as the sole qualifications. Enter Taciturnia.
Taciturnia lived up to her name because she never spoke, only grunted “yes” or “no”. The reason was not a birth defect or whatever. She had been brought up to believe Louis Farrakhan and his Nation of Islam teachings that all Caucasians are “white devils”.
Taciturnia Johnson flunked the NFST (National Firefighter Selection Tool) written test. But Black Lives Matter devotees blocked the engine house doors until the fire chief granted Taciturnia a waiver.
Then came the CPAT (Candidate Physical Ability Test). At 5’2” and 200 pounds, Taciturnia had on a helmet which parked itself below the bridge of her nose. Her turnout coat’s sleeves hung 6 inches below her fingertips. And her PPE boots came up to mid-thigh. When she attempted to climb up the 24-ft. test ladder, she fell down at the 12-feet mark. However, her Equal Employment Opportunity Commission attorney argued that she had indeed navigated 24 total feet of ladder even though it was not all in the same direction.
The “woke” judge granted both motions in the same session: that Taciturnia be hired and that she be retired with full pay on permanent and full disability. The grounds for the latter were cynophobia (fear of dogs) and acrophobia (fear of heights).
I switched off the Magic Scope, went to bed, and fell right asleep. I had nightmares all night.
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