More Government Snakes to Steer Clear Of

Let’s be bi- here… bi-partisan, that is. We’ve already dissected the Democrats’ looks in a prior Op-Ed.

Time to skewer some Republicans – all RINOs, except for one.

Just for a refresher about what Argumentum ad hominem means, it’s attacking someone and finding fault with him on the basis of characteristics completely unrelated to the aspect you’re evaluating that person on. For example, “I would never vote for him. I hate the color of the car he drives.” As a former dormmate of mine said whenever she encountered a fallacious argument such as argumentum ad hominem: “What has that to do with the price of eggs in China?”

Judging the following people solely on their physical appearance, this is what they look like to me. Ready, set, let’s have some fun!

MIKE PENCE 

Former Vice President, former Indiana governor, former Congressman.

He looks like a judge at the Salem Witchcraft trials in the 1600s: rigid, judgmental, closed-minded, fanatically religious, and holier-than-thou. But behind closed doors in the bedroom he’s into bondage, domination, and sadomasochism. And he definitely needs a humor transplant.

Mike Pence, Kevin Jackson
Image credit: The Union Journal

MITCH MCCONNELL 

Senator, Kentucky; Minority Leader.

Put a kerchief on his head and he looks like a senile old granny with his weak turkey neck and a narrow face that looks as if it had been squished from each side by elephants. She’s so daffy that she can’t distinguish between a hedge fund and a hedgehog. Someone you’d never trust to babysit your children… any children.

Mitch McConnell, Senate, Kevin Jackson
Image credit: UPolitics

LIZ CHENEY 

Defeated Congresswoman, Wyoming. 

Overweight, slovenly, vicious like a cornered warthog. If I were casting her in a movie, I’d cast her as a laundromat janitor. She’s too sour to be a laundromat assistant. Delusional: she can’t waddle around the block without huffing and puffing but tells her neighbors she’ll enter a 26-mile marathon and win. (She was trounced by a gigantic margin in the least populous state in the country but now fantasizes about running for president of all the United States.)

Liz Cheney, Kevin Jackson
Image credit: Politico

RON DeSANTIS 

Governor of Florida.

Dead eyes like a Great White Shark. Squinty-eyed, insincere smile like a slick used car salesman. He’s out for only one thing: fame as the guy with the biggest commission because he can hornswoggle anyone into buying anything.

DeSantis, Governor, Florida, Kevin Jackson
Image credit: MSNBC

MITT ROMNEY

Senator, Utah.

Very handsome. Looks like a model for an Erectile Dysfunction commercial. His aesthetic judgment is as poor as his political judgment. He looks as if he wears a toupé made from a skunk: snow white temples abutting jet black. No gradual blending of color. Oy!

Mitt Romney, Kevin Jackson
Image credit; The Salt Lake Tribune

LINDSEY GRAHAM 

Senator. South Carolina. 

With his smooth baby pink face, he looks as if stockpiles KY Jelly to get that soft complexion, leaving plenty for adventures along the chocolate highway.

Lindsey Graham, Kevin Jackson
Image credit: Business Insider

 

Back to top button